Blood and Guts: Helena Lazaro

So I’m really ready for a couple days off. Aren’t you? I can almost taste the turkey (and black beans and rice) now. I’m fatter this year than I was last year. Not by much, but enough to bum me out. And when I get bummed out I nibble. You can see how well this strategy works for me! It’s been a rough year

Anyway. Tonight I go to Rina’s house and bake pies. Lots of pies. Some are for my family, some are for hers. On Thursday I’ll have dinner at my aunt Tipsy’s, then go to Rina’s for the remainder of the evening. My sister won’t be with us, and I’m disappointed about that. But hopefully she’ll be home in time for Christmas. I have a some shopping to do…by which I mean, I haven’t even started shopping yet…I’m hoping that I can come up with a good idea for DIY gifts that are non-gender specific (so I can give them to everyone in my family), but so far it seems that I can only delight the ladies. I’m not good at making practical things! Only useless, adorable ones.

I am looking forward to a weekend full of nothing. I’d like to work on the Chubby Bunny blog (remember I promised that so you wouldn’t have to read about me crafting here) which I have set up but need to do the stylesheets and templates for. Fun! I also wanted to go to the American Apparel (which is apparently the only brand of choice for hipsters these days) Warehouse and see what I can get to make stuff with. Now that I have my wholesale license it’s crazy cheap. I can’t believe that people pay that much for a freakin t-shirt. But whatever. All my shit comes from the thrift store or Ross so I’ve completely lost touch with shopping reality.

Ok that’s enough rambling. I just wanted to push down the Asshole entry. Good response though, guys I should write more cryptic, one-line entries.

I know they say not to blog about blogging but in this case it feels appropriate. What I write here (as you know) is very personal. And although they may not always speak up, I know the people reading it are allowing me to share it with them–if they didn’t want me to, they wouldn’t come!

As I began to respond to Jenn’s comment on my last entry, my own comment got longer and longer until I realized that maybe it needed to be more!

I know I must be a disappointment during the regular morning blog-reading…I felt like I was getting better again but had a set-back because I kept writing things that felt inappropriate to post. So many different people read this blog now, and I try to consider all their feelings when I put something up–even when I’m writing! It’s strange, but there have been times when I’m sitting and writing (just for myself, not even for the site!), and a line comes across that I *snip* right away because it’s too revealing, or it might offend so-and-so, or–you get the idea.

It’s like these people–my family, my friends, my vast collection of ex-boyfriends, acquaintances, and total strangers–are all sitting around the living room with me just waiting for me to say the wrong thing. And that’s in my head, I know it is. This is not even a new issue. It’s just occasionally I worry about it more and sit on poems or stories or whatever, because I don’t want to piss someone off. And then I end up writing one of these whiny, boring, “self-censorship blows” entries. And then I post the poem or story anyway! But I guess this has to come first.

The bottom line is that I can’t control who visits my page. I can’t make some entries “Mom-Access-Denied” (love you, mom!), and there’s no Ex-boyfriend Filter. I could password protect the entire site, but I’m not 14 and this is not a fucking livejournal. So all I have to say is that I hope you come here without malice, because I think of it as inviting someone into my home. It’s even more than that, actually, it’s like you’re in a pillow fort with me, and I’m telling you all my secrets, my fears, my most embarrassing moments, my saddest memories. And I’d hate to think that anyone I’m inviting to be that close would only come to hurt me.

But even if they do, it won’t change my story.

While I was in the grocery store buying boring-ass food (did I mention I’m trying to diet? I am) I enjoyed some nostalgia courtesy of Albertsons’ musical selection…today was a very musical day overall, actually. And a very “feelings” day.

I kept hearing the Scissor Sisters’ “I Don’t Feel Like Dancing” in my head all morning at work. The song has become something of a guilty pleasure recently and now it’s come back to bite me in the ass. Don’t listen. Trust me. It’s a first-rate earworm. And it will take you to the brink of sanity.*

So after work I’m in the grocery store and on comes Shakespeare’s Sister’s “Stay” (the sister thing is pure coincidence). Do you remember this song? I think most everyone over 25 must. I loved this song. LOVED it. And the video. My burgeoning adolescent sexuality was perfectly captured by the ethereal black and white beings that writhed across the screen. It reminds me of riding a bus in 7th grade with my best friend Stephanie, on the way to a youth group field trip in Huntington Beach (the song “Damn I Wish I Was Your Lover” also reminds me of this trip–it was playing on the boombox someone had brought, while we longingly gazed at the class stud sitting in the back row of the bus and sucking face with an overdeveloped 8th grade tramp we wished hateful things on).

Then I got home and was trying to find that awful fucking Scissor Sisters song on myspace so I could hear it and hopefully expel the earworm. In the process I came across this song by Primitive Radio Gods. Remember this song? Yeah, you do. This song, I was so fed up with this song that I never wanted to hear it again. But I guess ten years will do a lot in terms of easing over-play tedium. It reminds me of the year all my older friends in High School were graduating. Makes me think of one young man in particular. He still hasn’t forgiven me.

I’d be curious to know what personal meaning people attach to these same songs. If you’re feeling so inclined, have a listen and reminisce. Me, I’m going to make some DE-LISH tuna salad to eat with a whole wheat slice of toast for dinner. Yum!

*A side note. I recently spent time with my pop-culture obsessed friends, Sam and Lara (and Slim). Lara postulated that we often gravitate towards a certain type of music because we relate to it, or it embodies our feelings. It would follow, then, that our feelings sound like our favorite music. Slim’s feelings sound like Elvis Costello. Lara’s sound like Weezer. I realize that my feelings sound a little bit like a lot of things, but that quite often my feelings sound like disco. I just wanted to take this moment and thank everyone who loves me for loving a woman whose feelings sound like disco. And sometimes Aimee Mann.

Sunday

12:17pm
Woke up

1:30pm
Made a sandwich

1:36-3:00pm
Ate my sandwich on the couch. Watched a Spongebob DVD

3:00-3:56pm
Drifted in and out of sleep. Listened to some neighbors enjoying a little afternoon delight.

4:05pm
Finally put some clothes on. Drove to Ross.

4:30-5:45pm
Shopped for warm shirts to wear during upcoming NY vacation. Almost punched an Armenian woman.

6:00pm
Drove to my mom’s house to borrow a suitcase. Watched fifteen minutes of Mrs. Doubtfire and pet the fat, lazy beagle.

7:30-9:15pm
Hatched a scheme to open an after-school care center that focuses on art, because I really like working with kids but I don’t want to have to make them take exams. Went to visit Rina and Doug. They made French Onion soup. It was really good.

9:30pm
Came home. Rinsed the wine glasses and bowl of guacamole from last night.

9:45-10:25pm
Edited pictures for chubbybunny.net. I hope to have the site done and ready to launch in October. By the way, as you can see if you click over there, I finally chose a font (it was #4)! Thanks to everyone who gave me their input

10:25-11:30pm
Browsed all the useless, fun things at Oriental Trading Company. Checked email, myspace, webstats for this site. Popular search term for the month of September: “show your cock.”

11:40pm
Started an entry about a Sunday that’s pretty much perfect. Wondered how to incorporate the line “still trying to find a man worth shaving my box for” into a poem without sounding like a vulgar trollop.

11:49pm
Gave up.

Dear Blog,

I’m such a dick to you. I ignore you for days at a time when life is busy and full. Then, when I need a shoulder to cry on, and ear to bend, I come running back–man-hating poem in hand. I know it isn’t fair. I know our relationship should be more balanced, more give and take. Like, for example, I could really do a better job assigning categories to your entries, or making you easy to navigate. Instead I leave you in the same sloppy outfit for months–even years–at a time.

And I know I’ve been neglecting you for that other site, the one no one’s even met yet. The site that’s younger, easier, newer and more exciting than my trusty old blog. I can’t help it! But that will change soon, I promise. Starting Monday I’m going to give you one new poem every day. That’s right. Every day for a month, a poem that you’ve never seen before, Blog. And I’ll think about what to do with your sidebar…I’ll pick out something nice for you.

I still haven’t written that entry. It’s been sitting as a draft for two days now because there were a lot more bizarre search phrases than I thought, and it became a daunting task. So, like anything that seems like a lot of work, I am avoiding it.

Actually I’ve been neck-deep in new internet bullshit. See, I wanted to start a real ecommerce site for my crafts (not that how-lovely hasn’t served me well, but I’d like to not have to make individual paypal entries for EVERYTHING I sell)…and because I am both stubborn and cheap, and also enjoy the satisfaction of doing something all on my own, I decided to teach myself how.

Well! I should have just written the damn entry because this has been a lot of headaches. I never knew anything about php before, and I hadn’t used ftp in years…it’s a lot of trial and error, which is frustrating. But I have a basic site ready! Now I get to make all the jewelry (and sewing, and screenprinting, and painting) projects I’ve been waiting on, because there wasn’t a good way to list them.

I have to say, it gives me a great feeling to do something I didn’t think I could do before.

When the shop is ready to go, I’ll make sure to post a link.

I’ll still need to (eventually) hire someone to design graphics (unless I teach myself a lot more about Photoshop, Dreamweaver, and Style Sheets…which is entirely possible!) and put together the “pretty” site I long for. So if you are available for this kind of work, or know someone else who is, please drop me a line.

I know, I know. I totally teased you with this promised entry then failed to deliver. But my supposed three hour visit to the county jail turned into one that lasted almost six. So get off my case already or else I’ll be all over you with a toothbrush-shiv.

So check it out! I’m in a great mood! Wierd, huh?

Doug and Marina (my best friend) got married Saturday, it was wonderful. I introduced them almost two years ago…never thought it would end (or begin) this way. I’m very genuinely happy for them, something that surprises me because they’ve gone through so much and at one point I’d felt certain that playing matchmaker was the greatest mistake of my life. But now I realize that was the storm before the calm. Ha! Seeing them together under the flower-covered arch in their backyard, it became totally clear how much they love one another. Perhaps not having seen them expressing that kind of emotion was what had me worried; but I realize that not everyone is as gay as I am and has to constantly tell someone that they adore them, and gush, and all those things, in front of other people. It’s called dignity, I think.

So they asked me to do a little speech before things got underway (the big surprise of the day was that they’d had Doug’s sister ordained so she could marry them! It was great!), and I’d agreed, I was so happy and proud to be a part of the ceremony. These were my first ever good friends I’d seen get married! Since it was a casual ceremony, I’d prepared a sort of intimate speech, talking about the way we met, and how they’d both taught me so much in their own ways, and together. I had it printed on two sides of an index card. Halfway through, I got all teary-eyed because…well, Jeez, they were getting MARRIED!

[A side note: All day long, the big finale from The Muppets Take Manhattan, "We're Getting Married" kept popping into my head]

I flipped the card over for the second half of my speech and saw what seemed like ten million more words.

“Shit it’s long!” popped out of my mouth before I’d thought (two drinks had loosened me up–including my tongue) but, a testament to the good nature of their family and friends, they all just laughed.

The ceremony was short but lovely, I cried like a drunk baby. Then there was dancing, cake, music, and lots of wine. And champagne. And beer.

As a result, there are a couple of apologies I’d like to make to the bride and groom. I am sorry for:
-cussing during your wedding speech
-making a joke about our long-lost virginity in front of the bride’s brother (she laughed though)
-incessantly chanting “Cake Face! Cake Face!” while you were cutting your wedding cake
-passing out before dark
-(in your bedroom)
-ever thinking you weren’t perfect for each other

I had a wonderful time, and it has put a great big smile on my face every time I think about that day. Can’t wait to see pics, I’ll post some on my flickr when I can.

So check it out! I’m in a great mood! Wierd, huh?

Doug and Marina (my best friend) got married Saturday, it was wonderful. I introduced them almost two years ago…never thought it would end (or begin) this way. I’m very genuinely happy for them, something that surprises me because they’ve gone through so much and at one point I’d felt certain that playing matchmaker was the greatest mistake of my life. But now I realize that was the storm before the calm. Ha! Seeing them together under the flower-covered arch in their backyard, it became totally clear how much they love one another. Perhaps not having seen them expressing that kind of emotion was what had me worried; but I realize that not everyone is as gay as I am and has to constantly tell someone that they adore them, and gush, and all those things, in front of other people. It’s called dignity, I think.

So they asked me to do a little speech before things got underway (the big surprise of the day was that they’d had Doug’s sister ordained so she could marry them! It was great!), and I’d agreed, I was so happy and proud to be a part of the ceremony. These were my first ever good friends I’d seen get married! Since it was a casual ceremony, I’d prepared a sort of intimate speech, talking about the way we met, and how they’d both taught me so much in their own ways, and together. I had it printed on two sides of an index card. Halfway through, I got all teary-eyed because…well, Jeez, they were getting MARRIED!

[A side note: All day long, the big finale from The Muppets Take Manhattan, "We're Getting Married" kept popping into my head]

I flipped the card over for the second half of my speech and saw what seemed like ten million more words.

“Shit it’s long!” popped out of my mouth before I’d thought (two drinks had loosened me up–including my tongue) but, a testament to the good nature of their family and friends, they all just laughed.

The ceremony was short but lovely, I cried like a drunk baby. Then there was dancing, cake, music, and lots of wine. And champagne. And beer.

As a result, there are a couple of apologies I’d like to make to the bride and groom. I am sorry for:
-cussing during your wedding speech
-making a joke about our long-lost virginity in front of the bride’s brother (she laughed though)
-incessantly chanting “Cake Face! Cake Face!” while you were cutting your wedding cake
-passing out before dark
-(in your bedroom)
-ever thinking you weren’t perfect for each other

I had a wonderful time, and it has put a great big smile on my face every time I think about that day. Can’t wait to see pics, I’ll post some on my flickr when I can.