Blood and Guts: Helena Lazaro

This is a day. A serious fucking day.

I just got repeatedly called stupid by some guy calling from the 720 area code with a BIG news story. Must be one of those intense, late-breaking, Hollywood items you only find in that hotbed of enterainment happenings…Colorado. He was pissed off that our News Department here had told him to call New York. I repeatedly tried explaining that it was our main corporate office. He still didn’t get it. Then I tried explaining what a corporate office was. Still confused. The rest of the first call went something like this. Oh, I should mention he had a slight lisp. Sounded kind of like Mike Tyson, actually.

Hotnews: [For the twentieth time] Why did she tell me to call New York when she’s here?
Poethelena: As I explained, that’s our main office. That’s the biiiig office.
H: But howcome she told me to call New York? She wouldn’t answer my questions.
P: What is it you want?
H: I have a story
P: And the News Department here told you to call New York, right?
H: Yes
P: So you should call New York
H: But why did she tell me to do that!
P: Sir, this isn’t making sense. You just need to call New York
H: No, YOU’RE not making any sense. What are you, stupid?
P: [Not getting paid enough for this shit] I don’t have to take an abusive call, so I’m ending this conversation.

End Call.

He calls me back–and tries to disguise his voice!!! I know. It’s rich.

H: [In his deep voice] Uh, yes, hello miss. I have a very important News Story.
P: I’m pretty sure we just talked and you were told to call our New York office.
H: [Drops the act] Yes, I know. But why?
P: [Is he fucking with me?] I can’t explain why, that is the decision of the News Department.
H: You must be stupid.
P: Okay. I’m ending this call now. I’m recording this number as an abusive caller, and if you continue to call I’ll report it to the phone company.
H: No, wait, I can get through this.

End Call.

He called back like twenty times. In thirty minutes. I kept picking up the line and just hanging up. I called my supervisor in HR to ask what I should do. They said to transfer him upstairs the next time. I did. And voila! No more calls. Whatever they said, it must have satiated his curiosity about…Why.

I haven’t had much cohesiveness of thought lately, so here are a few random tidbits that have been rolling around in my head, and more phone conversations.

A statement made by Adam’s Turkish boss (not during company time, as I’m led to believe): “Let’s not talk about this depressing shit. Let’s talk about happy things…like cookies or girls.”

Almost poem ideas:
1. Parody of Love
2. I like boys who wear black glasses

Phone Calls

“What my Ride?“
Caller: Hello, I’m calling about that program where they refurbish old cars?
H: Do you mean Pimp My Automobile?
Caller: What my Automobile?
H: PIMP my automobile.
Caller: Pinch my Automobile?
H: P-I-M-P PIMP my Automobile.
Caller: Um, okay.
H: I’ll transfer you now.

Occasionally, hearing only one side of the conversation can be even more funny than having it myself. The new receptionist has as wry a sense of humor as I have, and her straight face while fielding our “special” callers is always a riot.

“One Sided Part I”
New Receptionist: Good Morning, [Music Cable Television] Networks
…
NR: This is [Music Cable Television] Networks
…
NR: No, this is an office building, not where they shoot the videos.

“One Sided Part II: Moments Later, the same caller (who it turns out is a young girl calling from a strange area code far away)”
New Receptionist: Good Morning, [Music Cable Television] Networks
…
NR: No, this is an office building.
…
NR: What do we do here? It’s an office, we do work.

“One Sided Part III: One Last Call”
New Receptionist: Good Morning, [Music Cable Television] Networks
…
NR: This is an office. Who in our office would you like to speak to?
…
NR: I’m sorry, I don’t have a listing for Chingy.
…
NR: No, I don’t have a listing for Beyonce either.

I just love that 1)this girl is making numerous toll calls to us, and 2)when presented with the opportunity to speak with anyone her imagination could conjure (because presumably, our lobby is constantly teeming with celebrities), she chose Chingy.