Blood and Guts: Helena Lazaro

So I bought my very first Christmas tree that belongs to just me. Since I moved out of my mom’s house, I haven’t had a proper Christmas tree. I had a dinky 24″ fiber optic one that I made my ex come with me to get before we lived together so there would be SOME holiday spirit in his apartment (remember that, Scrooge McDuck?). It stayed with me after we split and went up for my first Christmas all alone. Here you can see it atop my entertainment center, with the Venice Beach boardwalk just beyond the blinds.

But that tree really only made me sad anymore. Still, it didn’t feel right to get my own…like there’s something missing, or something I haven’t figured out yet…because I’m on my own. Then I thought, who knows how long it might be that way? Life is going on, whether I think it’s wierd or not. Christmas comes and goes. Am I going to miss something because it’s not what I imagined it would be? That’s ridiculous. So I bought the tree to spite the part of myself that thinks people who live alone don’t get to have their own tree. Fuck you, self-loathing Helena!

It was still a little sad to trim because starting your own traditions outside of your family home when you aren’t part of some other unit gives you kind of growing pains. Things are changing, I’m getting older. This isn’t my mom’s tree. It’s not the little tree I shared with someone who isn’t in my life anymore. This is my tree, just for me. It’s not much, but it’s a start.

Look, blog! Twice in one day, that’s how sorry I am!

Actually, I wanted to tell you about this conversation I had with someone about internet dating. Now, you know how I love me some internet dates…but really, is there anything more painful and nerve-wracking than meeting someone for the first time knowing only that they have excellent grammar? Granted, excellent grammar is a real selling point for me…but still, it’s tough. You go on that first date and try to gather enough information to decide if you’ll have a second. Then you go on the second (maybe) and do the same thing again. And again. Both people are carefully trading hands, one card at a time. They wear poker faces, waiting for the cue that says they can just let go, fold and give it all up.

And this woman, she says, “Dating is just bartering for sex.” Now, maybe you don’t like the way that sounds, but you have to admit it’s true. There’s an implied contract. And I was thinking that maybe, to make things easier, I would just start using a real one! It might be something like…

I, ____ , agree to have intimate relations with you, ____ , in ____ (number of) dates*, provided that:

The conversation is enjoyable
Any existing scalp conditions are under treatment
You don’t smell like onions
Your use of the word “sweet” is limited
Your fear of intimacy is equal to, but not greater than, mine

Please be aware that this contract is in no way binding. In the event that it turns out you’re actually a douchebag, all accrued dates become null and void.

*A date shall consist of a meeting no less than two hours in duration (a meeting for “drinks or coffee” shall count as 1/2 date). If the date is a “movie date,” at least one hour must be spent in conversation prior to, or following, said date.

I mean, that’s just a first pass. There’d have to be clauses to allow for acceleration or extension of the terms, but really, I should probably get some work done today.

A while ago, Miss Sizz had the brilliant idea that guys (and girls) should come with warning labels. In a similar vein, this morning in the shower I was thinking that what I’d really like to see is a Dating Feedback System. Like on eBay (can you tell I’ve been spending a lot of time there lately?). When you split up with someone you get to leave Positive, Neutral, or Negative feedback on their page. For example:

Positive:
A+++++!!! Great Dater. Courteous service, excellent packaging. Added to favorites.

Amazing product. Package much larger than I imagined; I was pleasantly surprised.

Nuetral:
Dater delivered timely. However, package was slightly bent.

Product satisfactory, but customer service skills were somewhat lacking.

Negative:
Product not as described. Damaged, strange odor, dater refused communication. Would not do business again.

BUYER BEWARE! Product was emotionally unavailable. Dater never delivered, and refused to refund emotional costs.

You could view someone’s feedback score and comments (Within the Last Six Months is important. Anything over a year old should really be written off) before doing, uh, business with them. Of course, Daters have a chance to rebut negative feedback (“Item condition was clearly disclosed; please read descriptions carefully in the future”). More than anything, I think it would serve as a great motivator. Who wouldn’t want to sport a shiny “Power Dater” badge? There would have to be regulations, of course. Feedback could not be left until at least two weeks after the close of a deal, and never after drinking. There is the slight problem that anyone you leave feedback for gets to leave feedback for you, too…I can just imagine what mine would look like (“Dater returned product then requested re-delivery. Three times.” “Dater made unreasonable demands and expected immediate delivery.” “DEADBEAT DATER. Never paid, and offered no explanation. Messages left unanswered.”).

On second thought, this might not be the best idea…still, I’d be curious to know the kind of things people would have to say about their Dating transactions. With others.

he got on his plane tonight, bound for a dark and torn country. he’s gone for a year.

when i woke up and it was raining i sent him a message that even the sky was crying with me.

we kept raining and crying,
during his last moments at home
packing an overstuffed suitcase,
when he phoned me from the terminal
just before the flight departed,
through the hours of hating a fate
that would finally send me
someone to care for again–
only to take them back.

as he flies through the sky
away from me
we keep raining and crying
with no sign
of relief.