Kiss
November 2, 2005 at 12:29 am | In dudes rule, love and relationships, sex, storytelling | 8 CommentsI was choosing a cologne to give to one of my boy cousins today. I sprayed it on my hand to test it, and now I can’t get the smell off. I’ve washed my hands at least four times. Each time, the smell just comes back stronger.
It reminds me of this boy, Tom. He was 15, I think. I was 13. He was the first person to go past second base with me, though we never had sex. And I thought he was the greatest. Except for he smoked, which I hated. I used to give him shit about it. I’d run into him, somewhere in the park (this all went down at Knott’s Berry Farm, of course), and I’d make him kiss me so I could see if he had smoke breath. If he was chewing gum, I’d smell his hands. Not sure how I ended up a pack-a-day smoker at the age of 17. But that’s another story.
We made out whenever, wherever we could. One time we kissed for so long, by the koi pond, that by the time I had to go, my lips were actually swollen. My dad, when I got into the minivan, asked what was wrong with my face.
Another time we were at the Stonewood mall. We walked around the perimiter, looking for some little dark corner to get into. We found a small, walled-in area. Maybe for a dumpster. But it was empty. So we snuck in there and groped each other for a good hour and a half. No sex. Just kissing, touching, holding each other. He wore Aspen cologne, I smelled it on his flannel shirt when I rested my head on his chest. And now whenever I catch a whiff of that alcohol-heavy men’s cologne, the kind that teenage boys wear, I think of him.
It was nice not having anything expected from me, not worrying that I was being used for anything, besides a kiss.
10 Reasons Nerds Rule
October 6, 2005 at 6:20 pm | In dudes rule | 17 Comments
During an exchange with Groonk today, my well-documented nerd love reared its bespectacled head. I explained how I never have (and never will) like the meathead/preppy/pretty boy types—the kind my friend Kevin refers to as “Sweet Dudes.” In fact, I feel a certain level of contempt for them, because they’re usually empty-headed and vain—not to mention devoid of personality. And, while many men (and some women) will be with an insufferably boring or dim-witted person just because they’re hott, I can’t imagine a dude hot enough to make me overlook a missing personality.
Yes, I am an elitist in this regard. I’ve gotten to the point where I’m actually considering use of an IQ test to determine the date-worthiness of a guy.
But I have good cause! Nerds are better than Sweet Dudes for several reasons. Here are just 10 of them.
What a Tramp.
September 8, 2005 at 4:51 pm | In desires, dudes rule, love and relationships, poetry, sex | 1 CommentIt’s Not the Heat, It’s the Humidity
I’ve been thinking about you
and that summer we spent
sweating
on the mattress
on the ground
The nights were short
but even so
they seemed long
Though you pleased me
though you did
everything
right
I couldn’t wait
for you to leave
I couldn’t wait
for my chance
to pick up the phone
and call him
to hear his voice
like a breeze
like rain
like shaved ice
cherry flavored
melting sticky
down my arm
I looked forward to it
the way I looked forward
to long winter nights
all
summer
long
Man Rant 2.0
September 7, 2005 at 5:50 pm | In desires, dudes rule, dudes suck, love and relationships, misc, ranting | 16 CommentsAllow me to start by apologizing for publishing the phrase “nasal drip” on my page. I am sorry.
All your well-wishing must have done some trick, because I am feeling significantly better today. Called in sick and slept nearly til noon. That probably helped as well.
Yesterday, someone new to the site dropped me an email in reference to my Man Rant, and 10 Ways to Impress Me. It dawned on me that I wrote this nearly TEN years ago…and that while there are still some statements that hold up, most of it has changed (for example, I prefer Diet Pepsi to Coca-cola for squirting out of my nose).
Here, now, I present the new and improved version. Man Rant 2.0 dead ahead.
Talked Out
August 24, 2005 at 2:16 am | In dudes rule | 7 CommentsI didn’t get time to post tonight (I wanted to tell you about that dirty dream I had with the guy from our legal department). After nearly four hours on the phone, I’m talked out and exhausted. I have lots to say that will need to wait until tomorrow.
But it was worth every single minute.
Again with the Nausea
August 22, 2005 at 7:31 pm | In dudes rule, poetry | 17 CommentsSmitten
Today when I drove home from work,
everything looked beautiful:
the bums on Hollywood Boulevard,
the smog in the sky,
the garbage in the gutter.
I inhaled the exhaust
of rush hour traffic
and it was an aromatic flower.
I danced to the songs
that played on the radio
and they were all
my favorite song.
It feels like
everything in the world
is wonderful
because you
are in it
too.
Sappy Helena
August 19, 2005 at 2:17 am | In desires, dudes rule, poetry | 2 CommentsGet ready to feel sick to your stomach.
Outshined
In the letter you sent
were two photographs
One was of you
looking right into me
On the other you wrote
“Perfect Lake”
I picked up
the picture
with your pristine eyes
and tossed the other one out
sight unseen
Sunday Evening Guilt
August 15, 2005 at 1:30 am | In desires, dudes rule, nostalgia, why i need therapy | 7 Comments
Tonight I ate some buttery-soft O-Toro and watched Young Sherlock Holmes. I’ve said before that Nicholas Rowe, in this part, was one of my first crushes. I’m not sure exactly what did it for me–his precocious manner…his studly brain…his tall, lanky build…or that sensitive side of him we just catch a glimpse of here and there. I mused over all of this as I popped in the DVD, and knew I was in for a little nostalgic trip.
But MY GOD I didn’t realize how attracted I’d still feel to him.
I am so disgusting! I mean, look at this kid…he’s like 17 years old! He’s jailbait! And I still get butterflies in my tummy when he professes his devotion to his little girlfriend before she dies in his arms.
It worries me a bit. Fortunately, I’m not partial to the young fellows (not for long, at any rate). And I feel better because the real Nick Rowe (it’s just Nick now, not Nicholas, ok?) is also a grown-up. This is a character. I’m not a pedophile if I’m enamored of an underage character, right? Does it mean something that “Boy Toy,” who I dated last summer, bears a striking resemblance to Rowe? These are the burning questions.
All-boy prep schools. My goodness, now I understand that obsession with the Catholic Schoolgirl Skirt. Pardon me while I try to hunt down the Lawrenceville Stories…you know, for use in aversion therapy.
Tears of Effing Joy
August 10, 2005 at 1:54 am | In dudes rule, misc | 4 CommentsWADE RULES.
I’m going to send him a dirty picture.
Look at my pretty sidebar. In IE or Foxcrap or whatever the hell you want. He is THE BEST. Man. Well, all the other pages are broken because I have to go put in the right code. Tomorrow. But rest assured…
WADE RULES.
I will be adding several more links to the bar and finishing touches tomorrow. Any suggestions are welcome. I think this will be the best night’s sleep I’ve had in a few days. Now, maybe I can stop talking about this fucking blog, and worrying about this blog, and just write some more shit about how dudes are lame on this blog.
I bet you can’t wait!
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