TMI

April 13, 2006 at 6:57 pm | In why i need therapy | 7 Comments

I realized that, although in recent years I have become increasingly “shy” in groups (unless I know a few, or have had a few), I have never been “shy” about sharing personal information. This should be evident to anyone who has read one or two entries on the journal I regularly (sort of) and publicly expose myself using.

It’s occurred to me recently that I am, in fact, too open. I never try to hide my flaws, or the fact that I’m a little…off. I never try to pretend I’m cool, or give the impression that I’ve got the answers. I don’t know where I learned it, and I don’t know why, even after all the negative consequences it’s had, I insist on continuing. While lots of people say that this sort of “refreshing honesty” is right up their alley, I’m starting to think that it may not be in my best interest.

Not just because giving people that kind of ammo can be dangerous. But also because it’s scary. To them. It freaks people out. And what freaks them out even more is that I want just as much blood and guts from them. I ask questions that are far too personal, I want to know what makes them happy or uncomfortable, what they’re afraid of, what makes them tick. And that’s all just the first time I meet them. I want to get them to take me to their deep, dark places. It’s just such a good feeling. Like someone letting you read their journal, their poems, their sketchbook, or showing you their really awful scar from the accident that’s the reason they never wear short pants. Being allowed into a private place like that gives me a feeling of honor.

But there are lots of people who aren’t ready or willing to have others poking around the recesses of their mind. I get that now. Even if I don’t understand (Why is this? Why would someone not want others to know who they are? To live in the dark?), I get it. On one hand, it makes me sorry that there are those I’ve pushed too far. Then again, those who are unwilling to open up that way aren’t my kind of folks anyhow. I think of all the people who have confided in me, felt they could tell me things they’ve never told other people, and I know that for each person I’ve alienated with my closeness, there are two dozen others that it has made feel safe, and good. So I guess I’ll just have to risk it. I just wanted to take this opportunity to extend an apology to those I’ve pushed away by wanting to learn too much, too fast. I’m sorry I’ll never know you.

7 Comments

  1. One time, when I was five, I stole a pack of Chicklets. I just thought you should know that. I understand if you don’t want me to comment anymore.

    Comment by Eddie — April 14, 2006 #

  2. Thank you for letting me into your “special place,” Eddie. I won’t forget it.
    :P

    Comment by Helena — April 16, 2006 #

  3. Thank you for letting me into your “special place,” Eddie. I won’t forget it.
    :P

    Comment by Helena — April 16, 2006 #

  4. I often have the same problem Helena.

    Comment by Jen Neil — April 25, 2006 #

  5. I often have the same problem Helena.

    Comment by Jen Neil — April 25, 2006 #

  6. I agree with your way of opening up; however, these days I am more open on the weblog (a public place) than in person. However, I would prefer a few people to know me intimately than a group of people to know me in general.

    Comment by Anthony S. — April 26, 2006 #

  7. I agree with your way of opening up; however, these days I am more open on the weblog (a public place) than in person. However, I would prefer a few people to know me intimately than a group of people to know me in general.

    Comment by Anthony S. — April 26, 2006 #


Sorry, the comment form is closed at this time.

Blog at WordPress.com. | Theme: Pool by Borja Fernandez.
Entries and comments feeds.